Beautifully Scarred

Even the most beautiful people are scarred. Take any happy person you know. You think you know them, but nobody does. There is always a part of them, that they are afraid of. A part they don't want to acknowledge even to themselves.
Enough about people. Let's get personal. I've fantasized with my own suicidal ideas in the past four years. Yes, I am a  reasonably sane person. And I consider to be insane as much as the next person.
Though don't judge my fantasies for insanity. That was the sane part. I'm still here, that's the insane stuff. There had been times when I've struggled with bouts of depression even when surrounded by friends, even when I had people. We hear people telling all sorts of things like how they were (or are) depressed all the time. For me it wasn't like that. I've wasn't depressed all the time. Depression caught on to me from time to time. Most times at its mercy, leaving me clawing back pieces of myself together or willing myself to hold on. These bouts leave you broken spirited and defeated. Its like a wave of emotions. Things you have had bottled up for so long. The worst part is the time between those waves. You know whats going to happen to you. You know how you are going to feel and knowing any damn thing you do isn't going to make even the slightest difference. This is not just my story. Its true for a lot of people.
Those were the days you felt you were alive, feeling everything. You live you're life, but when do you ask yourself if you matter?
That is when you ask yourself the imperative question. WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE ? Really why? You've lost the person you've loved. You've failed miserably. You've screwed up so bad nothing is going to the same again. You've feel lonely. You feel as if the whole world is against you.
Oh no, I didn't feel all those things cause of a loved one. My reason was failure or a string of failures.
I survived depression. Yes you read that right. I survived. I still don't know how, but I won against depression.
That moment when you are fully prepared and have finally convinced yourself to take your life. That is the moment you are really alive. That is when you realize why you are alive. Whatever shit is wrong in your life will still feel like a big screw up. The decision      you take then makes you. Either you end up dead in eternal blissful peace  or you end up fighting for your life. You make that slow climb to reach the pinnacle of your existence. You have to fight. You have to claw your way through. You of all people are familiar with whats at the bottom. . Just one of the many making the climb. We know the pain. That pain scarred us for life. It did something else too. It changed us. Made us into the beautiful people we are now. People with courage. People ready to live. Ready to face life.
I am nowhere near the top..